The Politician’s Guide To Twitter

by Adam Popescu

1. Obscene tile background of yourself doing something bureaucratic: like giving a speech, mouth dangling open, pray you don’t have a poppy seed from your bagel breakfast stuck in your teeth. Smile for the cameras.

2. You follow 30 people on Twitter. Twenty of them are 20 years younger than you. Further investigation reveals these young women lead sometimes questionable professional lives. Real American values are based on Puritanical. We’re not the French.In this country, it’s wrong for a man over 50 to even think of a young woman sexually, and by young, anything more than 10-20 years younger than you. (Immediately unfollow @gingerlee, @ _kimpham, @RachCamp, @andreadevinney et al). IMPORTANT: You should not be following more XXX Stars than U.S. Gov’t Stars. Keep it one Adult actress for every two real Adults you follow. In fact, don’t Tweet with a Porn Star. Ever. Even jokingly. @Repweiner You’re a Government employee for God’s sakes!!!! Stop it!

3. You send “revealing” photos of yourself in compromising positions and situations. On your public time-line. (Remember, Twitpic is the new Getty Images). You will later deny sending said pics, or claim no knowledge whatsoever of the events. Deny, deny, deny. See #2.

4. You go on a major news outlet like CNN or Fox, and in a panic, pee all over yourself and place your foot deep into your own mouth by calling a professional journalist a “Jackass.” Nice.

5. Finally, after retiring from public view and press for a few weeks and living in mad bunker-behavior denial, you stage a press conference, and in front of your loving family and the American people, you admit to everything. At this point you resign your post, no matter how big or small, and ask for the forgiveness of both your family and America. Depending where you are, you might throw in a couple blessings to the Lord or Jesus right about now. It’s all about spending time with your family now.

6. You wait for the smoke to clear and then do one of three things: serve time (think Kwame K.), keep fighting for your good name (Rod B.), get a job as a political pundit for a network (Elliot S.) or go on the lecture circuit and make some bank (Bill C.) Not that you need it. But you have a tell-all book now. Time to tweet it and get back on Twitter.